That Sucked

I've been thinking about writing this for a few months.  Typically I like to write about happy things like diet cherry limeade and cats and things that are pink, because that is what I choose to focus on.  Now I'm going to talk about the time I had a miscarriage. 

Yep.  I sure did.  It sucked. 

It's not really me to share something so personal on the interwebs.  Actually, it scares the snot out of me.  But when I had my miscarriage, it really helped Mr. Snoop and I to hear from other people who went through the same thing.  Not because I would ever in a million years wish that on anyone else, but because the experience is so incredibly common.  So even though it scares the bejesus out of me, I'm coming out of the closet with this because if any of the few readers of this teeny blog ever go through the same thing (or have a friend who does), I want you to know you aren't alone.  This crapola experience happens in 1 out of 5 pregnancies.  So here goes.

Back in February, I was a little over 10 weeks pregnant when I went to my obgyn for a routine appointment.  Via ultrasound, we found out that there was no heartbeat and that the baby was measuring weeks behind.  Previously, at my 7 week appointment, Mr. Snoop and I had seen the little blinking heartbeat and everything looked good.  By 10 weeks, something had gone wrong.  I was given the choice to a) wait it out and let it happen naturally, b) take medication to induce the actual process of the miscarriage, or c) have a surgical procedure called a D&C.   

After much debate, Mr. Snoop and I decided to go with the D&C.  Why?  My body was not registering that something had gone wrong with the pregnancy, so I would have had to wait weeks for the natural route.  This was confirmed after the D&C, when the levels of pregnancy hormone in my body stayed elevated for over a month, which is not normal.  The medical route would have involved heavy bleeding and painful cramping.  With the D&C, I was put to sleep for 30 minutes, the procedure lasted 10 minutes, and I woke up with it all being over.  It was definitely the best choice for me.  And not even the $800 medical bill could convince me otherwise.

So now that I'm on the other end of this experience, I guess it feels ok to tell about it.  Here's what I've learned:

- This happens.  I was terrified of having a miscarriage.  Then I did.  Lots of people do.  And I'm still here. 1 out of 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage... that we know of. 

- A miscarriage is hard on your husband/partner. My ob told me this. I guess I was stereotyping, but I didn't believe her. I was wrong.

- Choose your obgyn wisely.  They may have to tell you really horrible news.  You need to be able to completely trust them in case scary shit goes down.  My Dr. D is the best and I feel so thankful for her.

- Forget about control. Y'all know I am a crazy control freak. I was insanely careful when I was pregnant.  But when it comes to pregnancy, it is out of your hands. You can do everything perfectly and still have a miscarriage. And it sucks. But you have to relinquish control.

- Not many people knew I was pregnant in the first place, but we wound up being open about the miscarriage.  People will say the wrong thing.  That's ok.  They're trying and that's all that matters.

- On the topic of where God is in a mess like this, a smarty pants friend of mine says that God shows up in the midst of the shit.  Well, that's true.  God showed up in my obgyn's kindness throughout the whole experience... exemplified in holding my hand as I nervously got put under on the operating table for the D&C.  In the amazing, sympathetic nurses and staff at my ob's office and in the hospital.  In my sweet friend who brought over nail polish that I had pinned and cookies to decorate.  When my mom came up to help out and distract me.  When family members and family friends sent notes.  And the list goes on...

So, anyway, that happened.  And it sucked.  But while my body gets back to nomal, I'm enjoying wine, coffee, raw cookie dough, having energy, and not gagging every 10 minutes.